osmie: (Bowler)
[personal profile] osmie
On finishing Winter's Heart, I didn't even know how to filk it.

My inner filk voice wanted to do Journey: "Trudging beside you, here in the snow…." Give each verse a subplot, make each chorus about the act of reading this series, and finish, "Passing the time, with a thick volume nine, Winter's Heart." Done and done.

But [I wrote], yegods, Robert Jordan. This isn't so much a novel as a checklist of how many queens — in the royalty sense — you can depict naked. I counted seven: three reigning queens, one ex-queen, and three characters who aren't queens yet but (with varying degrees of foreshadowing) are certainly going to be. Your three main male characters are swiving their way through the royal families of every nation on your fictitious planet — and it's never their own doing, oh goodness no; it's just that they happen to be sexually irresistible, and powerful women have needs, you know.

You're a talented writer — talented enough that I'm still here, still reading, and still enjoying myself, even as I feel my critical faculties turning to carrot juice. But I cannot filk your book without acknowledging how ridiculous your queen-stripping habit has become. And I don't even have a tune in mind.

So I tried. I tried setting a chorus to the tune of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll":

I love Winter's Heart!
Strip another queen and drag her naked—
I love Winter's Heart!
Watch another queen have sex with Mat—

But no, I couldn't go on, it's an insult to Joan Jett.

I tried setting a chorus to the tune of "Born This Way":

Gender essentialist sex,
Communication train wrecks,
I'm on the ninth book, baby,
I'm on Winter's Heart.
You want to clean up the Source,
You're gonna need to use force.
You're in the ninth book, baby,
You're in Winter's Heart.

Maybe I was getting somewhere. But that's all the energy I had for such a crappy book. Seriously, friend, I can see why you might want to subject yourself to volume 6, and I can even imagine wanting to skim volumes 7 and 8, but save yourself from the nadir which is volumes 9 and 10.
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Osmium Penguin

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